Chapter 181.00: SCENE II. The Road by Gads-hill.

SCENE II. The Road by Gads-hill. ****

Enter Prince Henry and
Poins; Bardolph and
Peto at some distance.

POINS.

Come, shelter, shelter! I have removed Falstaff’s horse, and he
frets like a gummed velvet.

PRINCE.

Stand close.

[_They retire. _]

Enter Falstaff.

FALSTAFF.

Poins! Poins, and be hanged! Poins!

PRINCE.

[_Coming forward. _]

Peace, ye fat-kidneyed rascal! What a brawling dost thou keep!

FALSTAFF.

Where’s Poins, Hal?

PRINCE.

He is walked up to the top of the hill. I’ll go seek him.

[_Retires. _]

FALSTAFF.

I am accursed to rob in that thief’s company. The rascal hath removed my
horse and tied him I know not where. If I travel but four foot by the square
further afoot, I shall break my wind. Well, I doubt not but to die a fair death
for all this, if I ’scape hanging for killing that rogue. I have forsworn
his company hourly any time this two-and-twenty years, and yet I am bewitched
with the rogue’s company. If the rascal have not given me medicines to
make me love him, I’ll be hanged. It could not be else: I have drunk
medicines. Poins! Hal! A plague upon you both! Bardolph! Peto! I’ll
starve ere I’ll rob a foot further. An ’twere not as good a deed as
drink, to turn true man, and to leave these rogues, I am the veriest varlet
that ever chewed with a tooth. Eight yards of uneven ground is threescore and
ten miles afoot with me, and the stony-hearted villains know it well enough. A
plague upon it when thieves cannot be true one to another! [_They
whistle. _] Whew! A plague upon you all! Give me my horse, you rogues, give
me my horse and be hanged!

PRINCE.

[_Coming forward. _] Peace, you fat guts, lie down, lay thine ear close to
the ground, and list if thou canst hear the tread of travellers.

FALSTAFF.

Have you any levers to lift me up again, being down? ’Sblood, I’ll
not bear my own flesh so far afoot again for all the coin in thy
father’s exchequer. What a plague mean ye to colt me thus?

PRINCE.

Thou liest, thou art not colted, thou art uncolted.

FALSTAFF.

I prithee, good Prince Hal, help me to my horse, good king’s son.

PRINCE.

Out, ye rogue! Shall I be your ostler?

FALSTAFF.

Hang thyself in thine own heir-apparent garters! If I be ta’en,
I’ll peach for this. An I have not ballads made on you all, and sung to
filthy tunes, let a cup of sack be my poison—when a jest is so forward, and
afoot too! I hate it.

Enter Gadshill.

GADSHILL.

Stand!

FALSTAFF.

So I do, against my will.

POINS.

O, ’tis our setter. I know his voice.

Comes forward with Bardolph and
Peto.

BARDOLPH.

What news?

GADSHILL.

Case ye, case ye, on with your visards. There’s money of the King’s
coming down the hill, ’tis going to the King’s exchequer.

FALSTAFF.

You lie, ye rogue, ’tis going to the King’s tavern.

GADSHILL.

There’s enough to make us all.

FALSTAFF.

To be hanged.

PRINCE.

Sirs, you four shall front them in the narrow lane. Ned Poins and I will walk
lower; if they ’scape from your encounter, then they light on us.

PETO.

How many be there of them?

GADSHILL.

Some eight or ten.

FALSTAFF.

Zounds, will they not rob us?

PRINCE.

What, a coward, Sir John Paunch?

FALSTAFF.

Indeed, I am not John of Gaunt, your grandfather, but yet no coward, Hal.

PRINCE.

Well, we leave that to the proof.

POINS.

Sirrah Jack, thy horse stands behind the hedge. When thou need’st him,
there thou shalt find him. Farewell, and stand fast.

FALSTAFF.

Now cannot I strike him, if I should be hanged.

PRINCE.

[_aside to Poins. _] Ned, where are our disguises?

POINS.

[_aside to Prince Henry. _] Here, hard by. Stand close.

[_Exeunt Prince and
Poins. _]

FALSTAFF.

Now, my masters, happy man be his dole, say I. Every man to his business.

Enter the Travellers.

FIRST TRAVELLER.

Come, neighbour, the boy shall lead our horses down the hill; we’ll walk
afoot awhile and ease our legs.

THIEVES.

Stand!

SECOND TRAVELLER.

Jesu bless us!

FALSTAFF.

Strike, down with them, cut the villains’ throats! Ah, whoreson
caterpillars, bacon-fed knaves, they hate us youth. Down with them, fleece
them!

FIRST TRAVELLER.

O, we are undone, both we and ours for ever!

FALSTAFF.

Hang ye, gorbellied knaves, are ye undone? No, ye fat chuffs, I would your
store were here! On, bacons, on! What, ye knaves! Young men must live. You are
grandjurors, are ye? We’ll jure ye, faith.

[_Here they rob them and bind them. Exeunt_]

Enter Prince Henry and
Poins in buckram suits.

PRINCE.

The thieves have bound the true men. Now could thou and I rob the thieves, and
go merrily to London, it would be argument for a week, laughter for a month,
and a good jest for ever.

POINS.

Stand close, I hear them coming.

[_They retire. _]

Enter the Thieves again.

FALSTAFF.

Come, my masters, let us share, and then to horse before day. An the Prince and
Poins be not two arrant cowards, there’s no equity stirring.
There’s no more valour in that Poins than in a wild duck.

[_As they are sharing, the Prince and Poins set upon them. _]

PRINCE.

Your money!

POINS.

Villains!

[_Falstaff after a blow or
two, and the others run away, leaving the booty behind them. _]

PRINCE.

Got with much ease. Now merrily to horse.

The thieves are all scatter’d, and possess’d with fear

So strongly that they dare not meet each other;

Each takes his fellow for an officer.

Away, good Ned. Falstaff sweats to death,

And lards the lean earth as he walks along.

Were’t not for laughing, I should pity him.

POINS.

How the fat rogue roared!

[_Exeunt. _]