Chapter 33.00: Chapter i. — Containing five pages of paper.

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Chapter i. — Containing five pages of paper.
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As truth distinguishes our writings from those idle romances which are
filled with monsters, the productions, not of nature, but of distempered
brains; and which have been therefore recommended by an eminent critic to
the sole use of the pastry-cook; so, on the other hand, we would avoid any
resemblance to that kind of history which a celebrated poet seems to think
is no less calculated for the emolument of the brewer, as the reading it
should be always attended with a tankard of good ale—

While—history with her comrade ale,
Soothes the sad series of her serious tale

For as this is the liquor of modern historians, nay, perhaps their muse,
if we may believe the opinion of Butler, who attributes inspiration to
ale, it ought likewise to be the potation of their readers, since every
book ought to be read with the same spirit and in the same manner as it is
writ. Thus the famous author of Hurlothrumbo told a learned bishop, that
the reason his lordship could not taste the excellence of his piece was,
that he did not read it with a fiddle in his hand; which instrument he
himself had always had in his own, when he composed it.

That our work, therefore, might be in no danger of being likened to the
labours of these historians, we have taken every occasion of interspersing
through the whole sundry similes, descriptions, and other kind of poetical
embellishments. These are, indeed, designed to supply the place of the
said ale, and to refresh the mind, whenever those slumbers, which in a
long work are apt to invade the reader as well as the writer, shall begin
to creep upon him. Without interruptions of this kind, the best narrative
of plain matter of fact must overpower every reader; for nothing but the
ever lasting watchfulness, which Homer has ascribed only to Jove himself,
can be proof against a newspaper of many volumes.

We shall leave to the reader to determine with what judgment we have
chosen the several occasions for inserting those ornamental parts of our
work. Surely it will be allowed that none could be more proper than the
present, where we are about to introduce a considerable character on the
scene; no less, indeed, than the heroine of this heroic, historical,
prosaic poem. Here, therefore, we have thought proper to prepare the mind
of the reader for her reception, by filling it with every pleasing image
which we can draw from the face of nature. And for this method we plead
many precedents. First, this is an art well known to, and much practised
by, our tragick poets, who seldom fail to prepare their audience for the
reception of their principal characters.

Thus the heroe is always introduced with a flourish of drums and trumpets,
in order to rouse a martial spirit in the audience, and to accommodate
their ears to bombast and fustian, which Mr Locke's blind man would not
have grossly erred in likening to the sound of a trumpet. Again, when
lovers are coming forth, soft music often conducts them on the stage,
either to soothe the audience with the softness of the tender passion, or
to lull and prepare them for that gentle slumber in which they will most
probably be composed by the ensuing scene.

And not only the poets, but the masters of these poets, the managers of
playhouses, seem to be in this secret; for, besides the aforesaid
kettle-drums, &c., which denote the heroe's approach, he is generally
ushered on the stage by a large troop of half a dozen scene-shifters; and
how necessary these are imagined to his appearance, may be concluded from
the following theatrical story:—

King Pyrrhus was at dinner at an ale-house bordering on the theatre, when
he was summoned to go on the stage. The heroe, being unwilling to quit his
shoulder of mutton, and as unwilling to draw on himself the indignation of
Mr Wilks (his brother-manager) for making the audience wait, had bribed
these his harbingers to be out of the way. While Mr Wilks, therefore, was
thundering out, “Where are the carpenters to walk on before King
Pyrrhus?” that monarch very quietly eat his mutton, and the
audience, however impatient, were obliged to entertain themselves with
music in his absence.

To be plain, I much question whether the politician, who hath generally a
good nose, hath not scented out somewhat of the utility of this practice.
I am convinced that awful magistrate my lord-mayor contracts a good deal
of that reverence which attends him through the year, by the several
pageants which precede his pomp. Nay, I must confess, that even I myself,
who am not remarkably liable to be captivated with show, have yielded not
a little to the impressions of much preceding state. When I have seen a
man strutting in a procession, after others whose business was only to
walk before him, I have conceived a higher notion of his dignity than I
have felt on seeing him in a common situation. But there is one instance,
which comes exactly up to my purpose. This is the custom of sending on a
basket-woman, who is to precede the pomp at a coronation, and to strew the
stage with flowers, before the great personages begin their procession.
The antients would certainly have invoked the goddess Flora for this
purpose, and it would have been no difficulty for their priests, or
politicians to have persuaded the people of the real presence of the
deity, though a plain mortal had personated her and performed her office.
But we have no such design of imposing on our reader; and therefore those
who object to the heathen theology, may, if they please, change our
goddess into the above-mentioned basket-woman. Our intention, in short, is
to introduce our heroine with the utmost solemnity in our power, with an
elevation of stile, and all other circumstances proper to raise the
veneration of our reader. —Indeed we would, for certain causes,
advise those of our male readers who have any hearts, to read no farther,
were we not well assured, that how amiable soever the picture of our
heroine will appear, as it is really a copy from nature, many of our fair
countrywomen will be found worthy to satisfy any passion, and to answer
any idea of female perfection which our pencil will be able to raise.

And now, without any further preface, we proceed to our next chapter.