‘… Hmm… wow, so I’ve woken up…’
I thought that my life was something like that of a symbiote, that I depended entirely on Tinny to live or die, because considering that since my birth, I have kept a short distance from him, that seemed to be the most logical thing.
However, it appears that I was wrong.
No, I haven’t checked it yet. I know I could easily do it by extending my sense for a few seconds, and who knows? Hopefully, the little guy is still alive. But I will refrain from doing so.
I refuse to let one of the last memories before my death be the lifeless body of a little boy.
The problem is not that I feel sad, not even because I pity him, although sure, I do, but the main reason is the discomfort it would cause me.
When I think about it this way, I realize that I actually have a bit of luck on my side, as if all this had happened before the countdown to the end of my life began, or worse, if it had never come, I might have gone crazy.
Even now, I shudder mentally as I imagine myself living an eternity next to a corpse, one that would eventually turn to dust.
I was very lucky, very lucky.
Thanks to that, I just need to wait a little longer for this to be over, so until then, I have to find something to kill time with…
Hey, that’s a good idea. Let’s do it.
So, do you consider that what I am doing is escaping from my problems again?
Yes, you may be correct, but is that wrong? I don’t think so.
If this were my fault, if I had no choice but to accept it, as it happened when I thought I had failed to escape from the womb, then I’d agree with you.
However, is this the case?
No, the reality is that now I don’t have a valid reason to do it, or maybe I do, but that would be nothing more than simple curiosity with a hint of concern.
… boy, this is even a bit nostalgic, as it reminds me of my time in college.
Back then, during the exam period, I would joke and laugh with my friends, not worrying in the least about whether or not I was able to solve them correctly. You could attribute it to confidence or arrogance, but no. It wasn’t like that.
Yes, I had arrogance with me, but it was not like that because, on the day of the delivery of the results, I couldn’t calm my racing heart. I showed up before the teachers nervous, to the point of feeling dizzy and wanting to vomit. I did it, even though I knew I could have avoided it if I had only studied a bit.
Of course, both situations have a resemblance to each other. After all, if I had cared more about the little one while he was being carried, I wouldn’t feel so guilty now.
Guilty… I don’t know if that’s the right word. I’m not sure what I’m feeling because… Well, that phrase reminded me a lot of a person in love, which is obviously not the case, for what I’m feeling is close to guilt, worry, fear, or anger.
It’s hard to define, but I think that if I had felt this in the past, I would have been clenching my fists, biting my nails, and being more irritable than usual.
I guess that’s part of the advantages or disadvantages of having a body.
It is true that I previously told you that my emotions were fading and that I could not feel concern for him even if I wanted to. I even mentioned to you recently that I didn’t want to explore my surroundings for something as minor as curiosity.
But what do you think? I lied.
Well, that wasn’t a complete lie, as no doubt my emotions are wispier than before, and that is proven by me not being desperate for my unalterable end. Besides, I also remember telling you that they had ‘almost done it’ so that ‘almost’ is a lot more weight than perhaps you thought.
Hahaha! It’s okay, don’t get mad. Yes, I lied to you, but that’s only natural. After all, lying to oneself is the most common human action. However, that does not make me a liar. I did it for your sake, for my sake, or, to be exact, for our sake.
Thinking and thinking are vital in my life. I cannot stop doing it. I must not fail to do so, regardless of whether what I think is nonsense, genius, nonsense, or whether I later contradict myself.
Spending energy and time treating everything as a game makes my current predicament bearable and even interesting.
I see that you lack originality since you have now gone from calling me a liar to crazy.
However, I am sorry to tell you that, once again, you are wrong. I am still pretty sane, as I understand how stupid what I am doing is.
… hey, now that I remember, didn’t we talk about something like this when Tinny was still with us?
Yeah, it is still too early to return to this topic. If I repeat conversations too many times, nothing good will happen. The best thing to do is to change the subject.
So… Why do you think that, even though we’ve talked so much, I’m still not sleepy?
Well, here’s my hypothesis. I think we ar-… What was that?
I think, yet I am not sure, that I felt something a moment ago. However, that should be impossible, for so far, I have not given an instant’s thought to using my spiritual sense.
So, where did such-… there it goes again…
It is definite that the sensations that occasionally appear in my mind are unlike anything I have ever felt in this life, but, at the same time, something with which the self in my memories is very familiar.
While that is something I should be used to the feeling because I resided for months inside a woman’s womb, the sensation of it hugging me, rubbing me, and covering me means that…
‘I have a body’
Don’t worry, I’m sure. After all, it is impossible for me to confuse the sensation of having a body, the feeling of skin and flesh being touched by something.
That… I don’t know, but I heartily consider that the question ‘How?’ is inconvenient for this time and that ‘Where?’ would be more appropriate to ask.
Now that the sensations of intermittent touching have become stable, any slightest doubt I had has completely disappeared. I am sure that I have regained what I thought would never return. It is ironic, though, because of the suddenness of it all, I don’t know how to rejoice.
No, I know how to do it, but I can’t since I haven’t yet forgotten what happened with Tinny.
What will become of me if I appear in a place similar to where he was? The answer to such a question is obvious, but I don’t want to imagine it.
‘Don’t be afraid. Fear not. After all, we finally got back what we wanted so badly. Open your eyes without fear and see for yourself’
‘Wait, calm down, that’s what I’m trying to do, but maybe because of lack of control, I still can’t open them’
‘Don’t be a whiner. If you can’t the first time, then try harder. Anything is possible if you have enough willpower’
‘Stop talking nonsense. If you think it’s so easy, why don’t you try it yourself?’
‘All right, let me do it. You’ll see how I’ll open my eyes… no, how I’ll wake up with a leap from wherever we are’
‘What’s the matter, all mighty lord? Wasn’t it all so easy? I thought you would move us, thus demonstrating your unparalleled will of steel’
‘… shut up’
. . .
Slow, slow, slow. Maybe it’s due to the urgency, but I really feel like this is taking too long.
Actually, the fact that I can’t open my eyes or even move my fingers reminds me of Tinny’s state inside the uterus, so maybe I-… Agh!
‘w-what?! it-… it hu-… it-… hurts-… too much… it hurts!’
Suddenly and without warning, a terrifying pain flooded my mind.
It was painful on a level unmatched by any other pain I had ever felt. So great that, without even thinking about it, my body began to move on its own madly in order to escape from whatever this torture was.
I felt myself trembling from the tips of my toes to the last strand of my hair. Even a new pain in my back appeared due to the dangerous bending I was doing because of the asphyxiation. My lungs also demanded me with force in search of air, but unfortunately, when I opened my mouth, the only thing that entered them was the thick liquid that covered me.
Unbearable. I felt as if my skin was baking under the intense flames of the fire. In addition, the pain that was transmitted to my bones was as if deep gashes were piercing my entire being.
I wanted to know what the hell was going on, so I tried to open my eyes, and unlike before, this time, I felt I could do it. However, they refused to be opened, afraid of the pain coming when something touched them.
Despite this, I made it, and when I did…
I could no longer think clearly, as the sharp pain prevented me from doing so, but with the scarce lucidity I had left, I managed to understand what was covering me.
Blood. Everything around me was awash with heavy and thick crimson blood.
‘Why… why… why me… why only me?’
I don’t understand it. I can’t understand what I’m going through. So much blood. It can’t possibly be mine. Is this a ritual?
I don’t know, and maybe I never will. However, that’s okay.
‘En- enough!… enough!… no more-… p-please!’
A new life? A new future? Joy to regain what I lost?
No. None of that is worth a damn in the face of this overwhelming pain.
After all, I’m not like the protagonists of the novels who put up with everything. I’m just an ordinary person; a failure who ruined his future because of his vices; a stupid who fought with his parents and never apologized; a guy who dreamed of being reborn to fix his mistakes but never tried in that comfortable life.
That’s why, with pain like this, I… I just want it to stop. No matter what, I just want it to end.
‘It- it hurts… hurts… hu-…’
Luckily my pleas were heard.
I don’t know if I’m passing out or dying, but either way, it’s all good so long as this is over.
Damn it. I’d really like to punch the guy who fulfilled my goddamn wish this way, and by the way, I’d also beat up my past self for thinking so much bullshit.